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Saturday January 28, 2006
The rise of my chaos theory with the EX
The following was written last night:
It’s been a while since I’ve cried so hard during the night. HE’s the drama I dumped, I wished to forget, I tried to substitute, I tried to “figure out’, I tried to rationalize. It all turned out to be failed attempts, pretentious wants and needs, frozen time frame, fucked up illusions and more drama which were not even worth it for the life and love of me. HE’S the one person I can’t seem to be an animal to, the one person I can’t seem to “fake comprehend”, and the one and only drama I seem to miss and want to keep.
At the very knowledge of his touchdown, I wanted to die in HIS arms, fuck the world, fuck the judgments, fuck the risk, fuck the fuck-ups, because at that very second, nothing seems to matter. Most people call it love, I prefer to see it as more than love; it’s an understanding we had, and a whole new understanding we can explore, and a brand new risk and investment I am willing to take up.
He may be the drama I decided to put off, but HE remained the exact and one and only drama I am willing and secretly desire to keep. The provocation of tears is more than love, more than frustration, but rather a battle within myself. It’s an “I want” but “I don’t want” yet “I want” situation. The one memory or so called sticky waste that is left inside me is not of anyone but HIM. He still takes up the giga bites in my pc literally, the very vague and hidden space in the back of my head which has been marked archive, next to the recycle bin but somehow or rather, I never came to a point to erase it all off.
No matter how much I attempted to, it never worked. Currently, my heart hurts with an utter mixture and a thin line drawn between needing and wanting. HE is no super-structuralist but no amount of study regarding being and nothingness, civilization and madness will be able to draw my heart away from this seemingly insane drama that goes on simultaneously in my head and heart. It’s fuckin’ stupid but it’s what I’m seeking yet not wanting, but at the same time want very much.
Posted by snowism at January 28, 2006 01:48 PM
Comments
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Posted by: nizam at February 1, 2006 08:34 PM
wahh... how convenient.:)
Posted by: snow at February 2, 2006 08:26 PM